I have a four year old and he is an avid story-hearer. He loves when I tell stories “out of [my] own head” so lately I’ve been obliging with retellings of Fairy Tales. Here is what we’ve settled on for Hansel and Gretel.

Once upon a time there was a family that lived at the edge of the woods. There was a mama and a tata and a boy named Hansel and a girl named Gretel. Their papa was a woodcutter, and he cut firewood and sold it, and made charcoal, and he made furniture. In good times, people from the village bought his firewood and charcoal and furniture and they lived a very good life indeed. But times had been hard lately, and the villagers did not have much money to spend on luxuries like firewood cut by somebody else, and new furniture. So the family had been tending their little garden and hunting in the forest, but their food was running out and winter was coming.

Hansel and Gretel had a long talk one night and decided that the next morning they would go into the forest to seek their fortune, or at least have an adventure. Maybe they would find a treasure, or a would rescue a prince, or would find a berry bush ready to be stripped of berries. They set out early the next morning with their pockets full of small white pebbles, and a hard boiled egg and piece of bread each for breakfast. They munched on their egg and bread as they walked, and dropped pebbles behind them to mark their path, so they wouldn’t get lost on their way home. However, before they found their big adventure, they ran out of pebbles. They decided to keep walking, going deeper and further into the woods.

They were hungry and tired and thirsty and very lost when they came upon a small clearing in the forest. In the middle of the clearing, in the thin light of the setting sun, was a small house that looked like it was made entirely of candy and cookies. They were surprised! Was it a real house, or were they imagining it? Was it real candy, or just something that looked like candy? Hansel and Gretel crept close and found that it was a real house. They touched it, and sniffed it, and licked it, and found it was real candy! They were so hungry that they started eating the house, nibbling on chocolate and cookies and gum drops.

Suddenly, they heard a creaky wavery voice calling out “Nibble, nibble little mouse… who’s that nibbling on my house?”

Hansel panicked and called out “It’s ooooonly the wiiiiiiiiind.” Gretel glared at him. “Only the wind?” she hissed at him. He shrugged. They heard a laugh from inside the house, and the front door swung open. A tiny woman with a crooked back tottered out, leaning heavily on her cane. She had long white braids down to her knees, and a long nose that curved down and a long chin that curved up. She squinted at the children and they gathered, ashamed and afraid, in front of her.

“Now, children, why are you eating my poor little house?”

“Oh, grandmother!” they said. She wasn’t really their grandmother, but she was so old they called her grandmother. “Oh, grandmother! We were just so hungry and tired that we couldn’t help it. We didn’t think anyone lived here. We’re so sorry.”

“Ah, now, children, if you are that hungry you are welcome to come in and share my dinner with me. I have more than enough for the three of us. Come in, come in.” And she gathered them into her snug, well-lit house.

Once inside, the children fell on the food she gave them and devoured it all. They hadn’t eaten so well in months! She served them beef stew and fresh made bread with butter and yellow cheese and cherry pie. They ate until they couldn’t eat any more and she showed them a soft feather bed with big fluffy pillows. They fell asleep immediately on lying down and didn’t wake up until morning.

The next morning they woke up feeling very well rested. Hansel helped the old woman cut wood and weed her garden while Gretel helped dust the house and do the other fine chores the old woman couldn’t see to do well. As they were finishing, the old woman finished making breakfast. She put bacon on the table, and eggs, and biscuits, and cold fresh milk, and roasted apples.

“I suppose your parents will be worried about you,” she said as they ate. They used much better manners this time because they weren’t as hungry.

“Yes, we didn’t tell them we were leaving.”

“Oh, they must be very worried indeed!” she said. “I know I would be, if my darling children vanished.”

“We thought we could find treasure for them, or some food. We’ve been so hungry.”

“I have just the solution for that,” the old woman said. “Gretel, go into the pantry and bring me the big iron pot with a lid on the second shelf.”

Gretel did as told and went into the pantry. She pulled the heavy iron pot with the lid off the second shelf and brought it to the table, where the old woman fussed with it and dusted it with the corner of her apron.

“You must take this pot home with you. It is a magic pot. When you are hungry tap it three times and say “Food please, pot!” and when everyone has eaten you must tap on it once and say “stop, pot, stop!” Do this and you will never be hungry.”

The children were amazed and exclaimed over this, and Gretel said “I am sure we can’t accept such a valuable gift, grandmother.”

“Nonsense,” said the old woman. “Take it and use it and think of me when you do. I hate to think of you going hungry when this pot could help you. Now, you must be on your way home. I will call my brother Wolf and he will escort you. It is a long way and you are deep in the forest. He will see you home safe.”

She went to the front door and opened it and howled a long and shivery howl that made the hair on the backs of Hansel and Gretel’s necks stand on end. Soon a wolf, the biggest grey wolf the children had ever seen, padded silently into the kitchen. The old woman stood.

“Brother Wolf, these are my friends Hansel and Gretel. Their father is the wood cutter who lives in the grey house at the edge of the woods. Please help them safely home.”

He dipped his big head to her and she fed him the last of the bacon and he licked his chops and then walked out of the house. The children quickly hugged the old woman and then ran after the wolf. He lead them quietly along a narrow path through dappled sunlight. They walked and walked through sun and shade, beneath whispering leaves, until they caught sight of their home. They smiled when they saw it, and when they looked for the wolf to thank him, he was gone. They ran as quickly as they could to their house, carrying the pot between them. Their parents were so happy to see them, and hugged them and kissed them and scolded them for running away, and then hugged and kissed them again. Gretel put the pot on the shelf and almost forgot about it as she and Hansel helped their parents with chores.

Night soon fell, and it was time for dinner. All they had was a bit of oatmeal and some dried apples. The family was very hungry and sad at how little food there was. then Gretel remembered the magic pot.

“Oh, we have the magic pot!” she said. Her parents asked her what she was talking about. “We met an old woman in the woods who fed us and gave us a safe place to sleep, and then gave us a magic pot. It creates food.”

Her father scoffed.

“There’s no such thing as magic,” he claimed. “That’s just an old iron pot.”

“No, no,” she said. “It’s magic. I’m sure of it. She wouldn’t lie about magic.”

“Old women are frequently confused. She probably just thinks it’s magic.”

“No, no. It’s magic, I’m very sure,” said Gretel. And she took the pot and set it on the table and tapped it three times. “Food please, pot!” she asked. And very soon good smells filled their kitchen. Gretel whisked the lid off the pot, and it was filled with thick beef and barley soup. Her parents exclaimed happily, and they all ate several bowls. The pot filled itself up each time. When they had eaten their fill, Gretel tapped on the pot and said “Stop, pot, stop!” and when she peeked inside the pot it was empty and clean. Hansel cleared the table and washed the dishes, and the family slept well with full bellies that night.

In the morning, the pot produced oatmeal with apples and walnuts and again they ate their fill. And then Gretel thought of the people in the village. If their family was suffering hunger, surely others were as well? She and Hansel had a long talk, and they took the magic pot into town where they fed everyone who came and asked for food.

They did this every day for months, through all of the long cold winter and into the spring. As summer came, the situation of the village changed for the better. As the villagers had more money to spend they remembered the kindness of the wood cutter’s family, and they went back to buying their fire wood and charcoal from them, and getting new furniture from them. Good times returned to the wood cutter’s family and they were comfortable till the end of their days.

The End

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Blog post copyright Brigid Keely Barjaktarevic. Originally posted at Words Words Words Art. If you enjoy this blog, check out my parenting blog at Now Showing!.

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First of all, I was given the chance to read an advance copy of this book for review purposes. I have not been compensated in any way (other than being given a PDF copy of this book) and my opinion on the book are entirely my own.

Second, this book contains depictions and discussion of disordered eating/anorexia and cancer and may be triggering for some people.

15 year old Diana Keller is having a really hard time. Her mom is sick, incredibly sick, with cancer and that’s a lot to deal with. Her friends are maturing and changing and she’s feeling left behind and left out. And she’s tired of being Fat Diana. She meets Jesse, a new arrival in their tiny rural town, and they start dating, and she wants to be perfect for him. So she starts doing something… she starts exercising, a lot. And she stops eating.

It… doesn’t really help.

This is a pretty unflinching look at ED and the way it impacts people. Arens really digs into the mindset of ED, the obsession, the logic and illogical. It’s beautifully written, but sometimes hard to read because it’s so meaty. Despite the meatiness, however, there’s a lot of humor in the book, and a lot of hope. Diana is, ultimately, lucky: she has some very good friends, and a very close and supportive family. A lot of people notice that Something Is Wrong and do their best to help her. Arens also draws parallels between acceptable ED (young men trying to drop weight to get into a lower weight class for sports) and unacceptable ED (young women trying to drop weight because women are supposed to take up as little space as possible).

If you’re of a certain age, you might have spent Junior High and High School inundated with “problem books” or “issue books,” edifying fiction novels usually featuring teen aged women who have SERIOUS problems in an unending stream. Their parents have cancer or are dead, they have cancer, they want to be concert pianists but break their arms on the weekend before The Big Audition, someone is beating them, someone is raping them, they can’t stop shop lifting, etc. They were depressing books. It would be easy to glance at this book and see “mom has cancer” and “ED” and assume it’s more of the same. It really is not, however. There’s far too much hope, humor, and support in the book. Additionally, giving a character’s mom cancer is usually a way to write mom out of the picture while giving the protag some big drama thing that shapes them. Arens manages to center Diana’s relationship with her mom. Her mom has cancer, but she’s still mom, and she’s still important.

There are two other things I adored about the book. One is Diana’s best guy friend. They love each other very much and trust and respect each other and are siblings with different parents, basically. They are very close emotionally and comfort each other physically (hugs, cuddles) but there’s no romantic pressure or expectations. I really hate the idea that men and women can’t be FRIENDS because SEX/ROMANCE IS INEVITABLE. So it’s super refreshing to see a positive, affirming heterosexual relationship. And speaking of sex, another thing I liked is that Diana has sex and doesn’t get shamed/punished for it. She worries briefly about the consequences of pregnancy and if her boyfriend will still respect her, but he does. She worries her parents will find out, but they don’t. (and if they did, well, they stick by her in every other way so I doubt finding out she got her bone on would be the end of the world) One of her best friends is well known for “kissing” every available guy she sees, and another has a very serious boyfriend and spends a lot of time behind closed doors with him. Neither gets in trouble/shamed for their actions. Whaaat! Young women have sex and it’s not the end of the world!?! ADORE.

That said, I think my absolute favorite scene in the book is Diana’s snippy Passive-Aggressive “attack” on a teacher she doesn’t like. She cracks open “Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations” and slips a saying about hypocrisy under his door. Oh, nerdy teen angst, I adore and identify with you!

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“Captain Vorpatril’s Alliance,” by Lois McMaster Bujold, is the latest installation of the Vorkosigan Saga. Is it really a saga now? Not just a series? Saga? Seriously? Well.

Bujold has a gift for writing interesting, complex female characters. Sometimes they are allowed to stand on their own like Ista (Paladin of Souls) or Cordelia Naismith Vorkosigan (before she becomes a full time wife and mother) but more frequently they exist as interesting sexy puzzles for male protagonists to solve and conquer and collect and romance/marry. The latest book is just one more example of this.

Confirmed bachelor Ivan X. Vorpatril is drawn into sexy intrigue by professional gad-about-town and secret agent Byerly Vorrutyer and, on the spur of the moment, gets married to an illegal immigrant/galactic refugee despite knowing almost nothing about her other than her cup-size. OF COURSE they wind up falling in love (it’s a slapsticky romantic comedy, after all), and it’s an interesting look at both Ivan and By, characters who are pretty minor but interesting in the course of the series. It was really great seeing Ivan developed more. Bujold has long handled him well, presenting his public face as one of genial self-effacement and near-idiocy who sunnily manages to always come out on top. Of course, that’s the safest face to present, one of bumbling good will, when one is so very close in line to the Imperial Throne and with such politically savvy, and active, relatives as Miles Vorkosigan. There have long been hints and glimpses that Ivan isn’t as stupid as he pretends to be, and he gets to shine in this book. But Ivan’s time in the spotlight really seems to come at the expense of his wife and of his mother.

It’s long been hinted in the series that Lady Alys, Ivan’s mother, has a complicated relationship with her (deceased) husband, that she has mixed emotions about him and his death. And while it might otherwise be a normal thing to really dig into her relationship with her husband after her son’s marriage, now that he is a husband as well, the longer the series goes on the more I resent the lack of a woman focus. They’re just kind of there. They’re wives and mothers and they have large breasts that men stare at and they have long legs and long hair and they’re smart and capable but their physical appearance is just so important (which is so very odd considering how very ugly Miles is, but he gets a pass because he’s CLEVER and works hard) and Bujold is very happy to continue the presentation of man-as-sex-obsessed-beast.

Look. I like Ivan. I’m glad he got his own book. The fake marriage that oops is a real one has been done before, a lot, but it’s handled well. I’m interested in Ivan’s future career as a diplomat.

But I’m disappointed, too.

Bujold is really really great at making interesting and complex female supporting characters and I wish we’d get to see more of them promoted to main characters… or at least not delegated to secondary status as soon as they hook up with a dude (Cordelia, Ekaterina).

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Hold me closer, Necromancer by Lish McBride is the first book in a series. Intelligently (and humorously) written, with a well-developed world and paranormal structure, it’s one of those books That Could Have Been Better… but is good enough as is that its shortfalls are pretty painful.

Sam (Samhain) Corvus LaCroix is a college dropout loser working fastfood with his best friend, Ramon and pals Brooke and Frank. What Sam doesn’t realize until a fateful game of potato hockey in the restaurant’s parking lot is that he’s also a Necromancer, someone who was born with the ability to talk to/raise/command/etc the dead. Also: his mom’s a witch, as in, she literally has magical abilities. And his nozzle of a dad who abandoned their family to start a new franchise in a much nicer part of town did so because of their supernatural abilities. And some dude named Douglas who’s a total badass wants to either train him, or kill. Or both!

Douglas kicks off Sam’s adventure by decapitating then reanimating Brooke, and sending her to Sam as a message.

And that’s part of the problem I have with this book.

Sam’s surrounded by totally awesome, powerful, confident, attractive women. His mom (the witch), his sister (maybe a witch, too), Brooke (who is smart and hot and athletic and is murdered to send him a message), Brid who is a powerful werewolf and next in line to lead her Pack, his next door neighbor (also a witch). These women are smart and capable and foxy and are secondary characters because… why? Conversely, why couldn’t Sam be female? There are a lot of super awesome writers who pull this shit (Lois McMaster Bujold and the Vorkosigan books and Scott Lynch and the Gentleman Bastard books I AM LOOKING AT YOU SO HARD RIGHT NOW) and it’s depressing. Because it sends a very clear message that it doesn’t matter how totally awesome a ladyperson is, she is fit only to be a secondary character and prop up a loser of a dude who can’t pass Bio101.

Years ago, I was in Band and I played the Cornet which is kind of like a Trumpet but different somehow (the tubing is shaped slightly differently, I think). I was unrelentingly awful at it, and eventually quit because I hit a plateau and just did not improve (being partially deaf in one ear did not help). Anyway, at one point early in my musical journey, my teacher kept piling on more and more specific complaints about my playing, and I got frustrated. And he said, the reason I’m complaining is that you’re getting better, so instead of one huge wall of wrong things we can pick out the individual things that are wrong. So although it SEEMS like I’m finding a million things wrong with your playing and that’s a bad thing… it’s actually good, because there’s enough that you’re doing right that the wrong things are standing out.

And I kept thinking about that while reading this book, because there’s stuff in this book I really liked. The action was quick paced, the Council and supernatural world feel fleshed out, Douglas was a good villain. The way Necromancy works in this world, and what it is, is well thought out. McBride manages to make the setting (PNW) real for me, someone who grew up in the midwest and lives in Chicago. The dialog is snappy. It wasn’t very predictable. It’s the first book in a series and I will probably check out the next book, something I wouldn’t do if I disliked a book.

I like Sam. I like the secondary female characters. It’s nice to see so many kick ass ladies tromping about. But at the end of the day, the people who are the focus of the book and the saviors are all male. And I’m just really tired of that.

Let me get this out of the way before I say anything else.

If your objection to a book is OH GOSH THERE ARE HOMOSEXUAL PEOPLE  AND THEY ARE TREATED AS HUMAN BEINGS then I don’t want to know you. If you think including gay couples and persons of color in a book is “political correctness run amuck,” then you’re welcome to find the door. Not surprisingly, most negative reviews of “Everywhere Babies” by Susan Meyers, which portrays families that are not composed entirely of apparently white apparently straight people, pick just that to complain about.

“Everywhere Babies” is a rhyming book about babies. The text is gentle and lively and the babies are adorable and do a lot of different things (walk, run, eat, sleep, smile, cry). My 2.5 year old loves this book. He likes the text, he likes the rhythms of it, and he LOVES the babies. He identifies some of the babies (fat babies versus thin babies, for example; crying babies versus happy babies), he narrates what the babies are doing, he makes up stories about the babies. It’s a pretty solid hit with him, something he requests re-reads of.

As mentioned– as, I think, it’s known for– the book depicts same-sex couples parenting babies/children as well as just walking around, and there are black-looking babies, Hispanic-looking babies, Asian-looking babies, etc. along with the white-looking babies. There are also what appear to be mixed-race families. So if that’s something you’re looking for in a book, this one has it, and not in an OBVIOUS way. It’s not “Heather Has A Black Mommy And A White Daddy,” it’s not the SUBJECT of the book, it’s just there. Not commented on. Treated as normal. Another thing treated as normal is the idea that male-appearing people will do child care duties without female-appearing people around. It’s not all mommies and babies. There’s a lot of dads and grandpas taking babies on walks, feeding them, etc. So there’s a hearty dose of gender balance as well, which I haven’t seen touched on as much in reviews (except, again, someone complaining on amazon that OH MY GOSH BABIES NEED THEIR MOMMIES and shouldn’t leave the house before they’re a full year old. Say it with me. WHAT.)

In summary, it’s a good solid book with well written text, a high readability level, and lush artwork. We checked this out of the library but I’d rate it as a “buy” quality book, and one I’d give to other babies as a gift.

Handling the Undead, by John Ajvide Lindqvist, is advertised as a zombie novel. But it’s not about zombies, not really. I mean, there are people who died who become animated again, who imitate life, but the book isn’t really about them. And they aren’t the zombies popularly portrayed in media. They don’t hunger for brains, for instance.

The book opens with a bit about the weather. It’s been unusually hot in Sweden. Everyone has headaches. And then the electricity goes on and stays on, all appliances coming to life (so to speak), unable to be turned off. There’s a fantastic bit where a character is running, and his cellphone’s battery gains an extra bar of power as the battery refuels itself without being connected to anything. The weather breaks, the headaches ease off, and the dead start coming back to life.

Well. They animate. They imitate life. But they aren’t alive.

Handling the Undead isn’t really a story about zombies. It’s a story about death and dying and grief, about the human condition and souls, about letting go and moving on. It follows 3.5 story lines: David and his young son and the death of his wife Eva, the love of his life; Gustav Mahler and his daughter and dead grandson; Psychic grandmother and -daughter Elvy and Flora (whose storyline involves them separating then reuniting, hence 3.5 story lines). The book starts off with a bang and keeps the pace up consistently until the end, when it slows down and becomes more contemplative. It’s an emotionally difficult book to read, diving deep into emotionally troubling waters. The characters go through events that are both unusual and specific to them (I mean, there are ‘reliving,’ the formerly dead walking around, that is not an everyday occurrence) but also universal. Death. Loss. Pain. I cried several times while reading this book, and then kept going.

I highly recommend this book. It’s not at all the standard gory zombie fare, and most of the bits I as a reader flinched from were emotional bits, not visceral ones. There’s horror elements in it, well crafted, but it’s primarily an emotional journey, and a very well written one at that.

Markiss Halfweight had tried to kick a door down once. It had flown open in a very gratifying manner, but before he could step through the doorway it had swung closed again with a violent slam. He’d managed to avoid getting struck in the face by unyielding wood, but ever since that lazy, beery afternoon he’d decided that all stories of door-kicking-in were just that, stories, told to bolster the reputations of people who need bolstering. As such, he was very unprepared for the door to his gang’s club being kicked in. The admittedly not very good lock skittered across the floor, broken off of the door, and the rough wood slammed against a chair, sending it flying. The door kicker then strode confidently into the room, heels clicking on the floor.

“What fuckery is this!” she exclaimed, a beast of a woman, tall and broad shouldered, with hands bigger than most men’s. “What sheer, unbridled, fuckery is going on in this craphole?”

She had taken everyone by surprise. The gang gaped at her and then scrambled to their feet. Sinkhole Senca reached her first and then went flying back, knocking Short Mavon over, when she brought one of those giant hands to bear on his jaw. Jerome Fiflower went at her with a knife and she swung her cloak around and off and muffled him with it and when he was released, stumbling, he was bleeding and she had his knife and her cloak both.

“Listen up, you pathetic amateurs! I’m Hobbin Bellehouse and the Five Lillies gang work for me, and are under my protection. Which means when you shitfucks rough them up, you answer to me and let me just tell you that I can take you all one at a time or all together, and darling boys, I have got all night to play.”

Jerome pressed the tail of his shirt against his bleeding cheek and glanced over at Sinkhole and Short Mavon, both moaning on the floor. Markiss, who’d stayed alive this long by not charging headfirst into trouble every time it presented itself, hung back. Hob held up Jerome’s knife where everyone could see it, and then flung it towards him. It planted itself a good two inches in the floor boards with a meaty thunk, the knife vibrating gently, next to his foot.

“OR, and I highly recommend you take this option, you come work for me as well. I take ten percent of anything you haul in, and I handle your problems whether it’s another gang or the Short Swords.”

Jerome stared at her sullenly.

“And if we refuse your most generous offer?”

“Then I beat the shit out of you, take ten percent anyway, and keep doing so until you lot give in. Oh, and sometimes I might take more than ten percent. You know. If I’m feeling irritated at you little shits for bruising up my knuckles.”

Sinkhole and Short Mavon were sitting up, getting to their feet; in short, recovering. Thom the Small and Bearbiter were edging toward her, and Markiss joined them. Jerome grinned, showing the gaps between his too-small teeth.

“There’s more of us than there are of you.”

“You think you can take me down, little ones? Bring it.”

They brought it, but not very well. Hob left the gang with her purse and her obligations both heavier.

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Hob grew up in a whore house in Belletown, her mother being the Mistress of the House. When she was 11, her father, a spy masquerading successfully as a traveling actor, was very surprised to find that he had a child. She joined him and his long time partner, her “uncle,” and their troupe and learned many things. She learned to tumble and juggle and act, she learned many languages, she learned to ride horses with and without saddle, she learned to pick pockets and coax reluctant windows and doors and mouths to open, she learned to grease palms, she learned to trade information, and she learned from Zinzario the strong man how to lay a man flat with one blow.

When her father and her uncle are killed in the line of duty, she abandons spying. She turns her attentions to the seedy underbelly of the burgeoning city and uses Zinzario’s teachings and her mighty fists and skill at manipulating people to gather all the disparate gangs and criminal element under her control.

She is the “King of Thieves,” enjoying her status and influence, enjoying her city, and enjoying her actress lover Aven and their children. Then the past she thought was buried with her father rises to confront her, threatening to destroy everything she’s worked to build.

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Cassie dumped her knapsack on the kitchen floor and opened the fridge door, sticking her head inside and looking for something to eat.

“I’m home!” she yelled, her voice mostly muffled by a half empty gallon of milk and mysterious tupperware and take out containers. She opened a white paper container, poking at the beef and broccoli in congealed sauce inside, and folded the lid back together, stashing it back in the fridge. She made an attempt on the freezer, and found a pint of ice cream to her liking. She heard the swinging door between the kitchen and dining room open as she was rummaging a spoon out of the silverware drawer, and turned around. Her uncle Theo was there, wiping paint off his hands.

“Hey,” he said.

“I thought you had a thing,” he said.

“Yeah, well, nobody showed.” She jabbed the spoon into the ice cream. It was frozen too hard, and the spoon bent. She frowned and pulled it out, tried to straighten it. Theo reached for the spoon.

“I got it,” he said. “Stick that in the microwave for like 30 seconds. That oughtta soften it up real good.”

She held the ice cream between her hands.

“Nah. It’ll soften on its own just fine.” She looked up at him.

“What was school like for you?”

“I never went to school.”

“So you, what, you were homeschooled?”

“Nah, babygirl. I never went to no kinda school.”

“What about mom?”

“Nothin for her until she got her GED. She took classes for that, and got some college after.”

“How is that, I mean, how is that possible? To grow up in the USA and not go to school at all?”

“Me an your ma… we were in a real shitty situation.”

“She never talked about being a kid.”

“Yeah. That’s on accounta she never got to be a kid. That’s somethin your dad gave her, a chance to feel young and not worry about nothin. Until his family found out about her, anyway.”

“Yeah, well, they’re assholes and I hate them.”

Theo shook his head.

“If they called up and said they was around the corner and you should come out and meet ‘em, you’d be out the door before they finished the sentence.”

She walked over to the fridge and shoved the ice cream back into the freezer.

“Yeah, well, what can I say. It’s nice living someplace that has no corpses.”

She stalked off upstairs, leaving Theo in the kitchen holding a bent spoon.

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Cassie kicked the door closed with a big slam. She opened it up and slammed it again. And then again. And then once more.She didn’t think anyone was home, so she literally jumped when someone cleared their throat behind her. She turned and saw Uncle Theo standing at the fridge, a dark blue bottle of beer in his hand.

“Bad day?” he asked.

“The worst! The… absolute… worst!” she sputtered out. She threw her knapsack against the oven and sat down heavily in a chair, folding her arms and dropping her head into them, on the scarred wooden kitchen table.

“That sucks. Wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

“Yeah. Worst days… you generlly don’t wanna rehash them too much, huh?”

“I hate it here! I hate this stupid school and this stupid town and this stupid house and all this stupid creepy shit in my life! I hate it!”

“Yeah…” Theo knocked the bottle cap off on the edge of the counter, caught the cap in his hand and flicked it into the garbage can.

“I hate this town too.”

She wiped her face with the backs of her hands and turned to look at him.

“Really?”

“Baby girl, I am a city boy inside and out and the fuckin suburbs are like a slow soul death. Fuck. Only reason I stay is cos of Jazz and the only reason SHE stays is cos of the creepy shit you hate so much. It was her dad’s job, you know, and his job, and all the way back to when this shitty little burb was just a farm town. She got roots here. I can’t rip her outta that.”

“What about your roots?”

“I ain’t got roots. I’m like a orchid. I just latch on ta somethin else and suck what I need out the air.”

“And out of beer bottles.”

He raised the bottle to her, half grinning.

“You know it. Look. You still havin trouble makin friends and shit?”

“Yeah. Yes. I just… I don’t know why. I had so many friends back home. Back, you know. Home. This isn’t home.”

“That’s why. All these kids here? This is home t’them. You’re an outsider. Kids’re animals. They circle up and turn against outsiders. You’re an invader.”

“That is… really helpful. Thanks. Thanks a lot, Uncle Theo.”

“No, wait. What I mean is, you gotta become not an outsider.”

“Right, what, by playing nice? Trying harder to fit in? I live in a fucking funeral home! My parents are dead! I will never fit in with those stupid soft asshole jerks! There’s too much creepy shit and I’m, like, marked with it!”

“Pfffrt.” He made a rude noise with his mouth, and then continued before she could yell at him.

“Have a party. Invite everone you wanna know better. Look. We do this thing, every Halloween? We set up a minigolf course in the big basement, the one we don’t use for nothin but overflow storage. It’s real popular. Invite people over on Halloween an we’ll close it early and you all can play at midnight and eat pizza and shit like that. Take your creepitude and turn it to your advantage. Seize it.”

“Halloween is our busiest, most profitable night, Theo.” Jasmine sauntered in.

“Did you bust that cap on the counter again?”

“No. Yes. I did, yes. I forgot.”

Jazz ran her hand down her face.

“If you ruin my new counter tops…”

“They ain’t even installed yet. I’ll stop doin that when they’re in.”

“No, you won’t. You’ll keep forgetting and you’ll bash up the marble. Use the bottle opener under the counter.”

“Sorry, yeah, I’ll try.”

“Aw, that’s my baby. What’s this about a party in the minigolf room?”

Theo took another long pull on the bottle of beer, nearly draining it.

“Cassie ain’t makin friends too good and I thought that might help.”

“Bribing them, eh? As good an idea as any. Cassie, think about who you want to invite. We can get pizza from Montoni’s.”

“But…” Cassie looked over at them.

“What if nobody comes?”

Theo shrugged.

“We’ll be eatin cold pizza for a while.”

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