A Perfect Shitstorm

2 March 2010

I have this bad habit where I cuss. A lot. Like it’s going out of style. And with a child on the cusp of talking, I’ve been trying to cut back. So now I say things like “gosh! $12.00 for some candy at the movie theater? That’s sure as heck pricey!” and “Wow! that guy just cut us off! That was super scary!” and “Oh dang, did you not see that my foot was RIGHT THERE when you effing dropped that giant heavy thing?” and “Jesus fucking Christ will you hold the fuck still AUGH NO shit no you are getting shit EVERYWHERE cunting FUCK what the HELL just FUCKING HOLD STILL ALREADY please.”

And then I have to clean poop out from between a tiny person’s toes and fingers.

Which, if you’re reading this blog because you don’t have kids and are wondering what having a baby is like, let me tell you:

You wind up having to clean poop from between your kid’s toes and fingers. Often while that kid is thrashing around and getting poop EVERY WHERE HIS TINY BODY CAN REACH AND HOLY HELL DOES HE HAVE A SURPRISINGLY WIDE REACH.

We have two changing pad covers. I always figured two was exactly enough, because one would get dirty and we’d bust out the other one and do laundry and we’d just cycle them. We have about a million fitted sheets for his bed, and so far we’d be fine with only 3 sheets. I figured we were safe on the changing pad covers. But no. Yesterday he baptized the green cover with a mighty flood of urine and today he befouled the blue one with a torrent of feces.

So I’m doing laundry today, which I was going to do anyway, but he has a naked changing pad and the next diaper change better not be so hideous or we are ALL in trouble. My gosh!

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This child is pretty much doomed.

19 February 2010

Do you see this child?

Nikola, 10 months old, stands next to a white chair. He holds the chair with his left hand, and holds a light saber with his right hand.

Nikola, 10 months old, stands next to a white chair. He holds the chair with his left hand, and holds a light saber with his right hand.

Do you see this child, all standing here, holding on to a light saber?

This child that has figured out, before the age of 11 months, how to turn a lightsaber on?

This child that knows that if you smack a lightsaber against something it makes a pleasing noise?

This child that thinks it’s hilarious when you poke him with a lightsaber?

This child is pretty much doomed to a life of rampant nerdery and also, apparently, bad hair cuts.

Sorry, kid.

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11 Month Milestones

16 February 2010

Let’s talk about Milestones.

Niko is 11 months old today, only one month away from his first taste of chocolate, in the form of cake and frosting.

Let’s see how he’s measuring up.

Mastered Skills (most kids can do)
• Says “mama” and “dada” to the correct parent No. He says “mama” to everyone and everything, and doesn’t say “tata” (dada) at all.
• Plays patty-cake and peek-a-boo He claps his hands and responds when other people play peek-a-boo, and sometimes he’ll hide behind something and pop out. He doesn’t generally pull things over his own face. If you hold your hands together near him, he’ll pull them apart and close them again, making you clap. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever sat down and played patty cake with him.
• Stands alone for a couple of seconds Try long minutes. He stands like a champ. He stands and plays. He stands and eats. He stands and stares. He stands and talks.
• Cruises Like he was born to.

Emerging Skills (half of kids can do)
• Understands “no” and simple instructions Yes. He frequently IGNORES “no,” but it’s clear he knows it means either “hey, don’t do that” or else “quick! do that thing faster and more wildly before mama or tata come over and make you stop!” He fetches and brandishes or brings back objects like his bowl, his balls, his medo (bear).
• Puts objects into a container He puts objects into containers, pulls them back out, puts things on top of other things, puts things beneath things… he enjoys exploring spatial relationships.

Advanced Skills (a few kids can do)
• Says one word besides “mama” and “dada” No. He makes word-like sounds, but no actual words. His word-like sounds include mama/muhmuh, baba, nahnah, and dahdah
• Stoops from standing position Yes. He stoops down, picks stuff up, then stands up again, often while not holding on to anything. He can also rise from a sitting/kneeling position to a standing position without support.

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Baby’s first black eye (d’awwww)

16 February 2010

Niko loves to romp about on the couch or on a bed. He’ll happily and gleefully stand up in his crib, gripping the rail, and bounce and scream. He is over the moon when we take him into our bedroom and give him run of the great big mattress we have. Our mattress and box spring sit directly on the floor, because our box spring cracked in a move and when we put it in the frame we sleep poorly and pretty much want to die the next day from stiffness and pain. So it all sits on the floor until we can get a big sheet of plywood to put on the bottom of the bedframe to support the cracked box spring. This also means our bed is pretty low to the floor.

The beds at Nesko’s family’s house are proper beds, with bedframes and everything, and much higher off the floor.

Nesko was visiting over there with Niko talking about car stuff and family stuff and basically letting me have an afternoon of “sitting around the house in my underwear without worrying about getting someone else’s poop on me.” And he had Niko on a bed. And Niko launched himself into space. This normally wouldn’t be a problem except nobody caught him. Instead, he landed on his face on the floor.

“On the carpet,” Nesko told me.

“The carpet that’s on the floor?” I asked, looking for clarification.

“He has a little bruise on his forehead. It’s not bad.”

“He also has a black eye.”

“Oh. I thought that was from when you let him fall against that thing.”

“I didn’t “let him” do anything, and that was a tiny scratch that is mostly healed. This is a black eye, cheek bruise, and giant forehead bruise.”

My friend Kate says she got HER first black eye at this age also. She tried to climb some stairs.

Gravity is a harsh mistress.

Niko’s been a crankenpuss lately, and I’m pretty sure he’s working on some bottom teeth. However, my understanding that pretty much every bit of crankiness, fussiness, and general hellish behavior for the next three years can be chalked up to “teething” because that’s how long it takes because holy FUCK are we a poorly designed animal. However between that and his newfound love of flinging himself off of things (and out of arms), he has been even more of a joy and a delight than usual, where “joy and delight” means “I want to lock myself in a small room and never come out.”

But it’s not all bad!

His black eye’s already mostly healed, his forehead and face mostly cleared up. And he’s rediscovered the hilarity of me playing hide and seek while he stands in his crib, which is awesome. I toss a blanket over the foot of his crib, and drape his quilt over the side of the crib, then I talk to him, get his attention, and duck down behind the blanket at the foot of the quilt. He comes looking for me, and I pop up and say hi or boo or something, and he laughs so hard he falls over. Literally. We do this a few times, and then I’ll duck down and creep around to the SIDE of the crib. And when he clambers up and peers over the foot of the crib, I grab him from behind and tickle him and he laughs and falls over and keeps laughing and we both have a hard time catching our breath because of the laughter.

Then he’ll pick up his teddy bear and smack himself repeatedly in the face with it, which amuses me no end because I’m basically a terrible mother (and all around human being) as I think I’ve made clear in the past.

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muh muh muh mama

10 February 2010

Niko is almost 11 months and cruises with more and more ease. I’m fairly certain he holds on to things mostly due to habit, or for security. He’s also able to step OVER things, to lift his legs up high one at a time (kind of like a sumo wrestler stepping into the ring) and surmount obstacles in his way. Obstacles like wadded up blankets, talking plastic fishing boats, and light sabers that light up and make noise when you strike them against things. If this sounds like we live in a home filled with turmoil, clutter, and extreme nerdiness, you are correct.

One of his favorite activities is to bounce/jump up and down while holding onto the edge of the crib or the back of the couch, while standing on the mattress/couch cushions, and scream happily and laugh endless peals of laughter. Then throw himself onto his bottom to bounce gently. This is awesome in the crib except for when he knocks his head against the back bars, which is slightly less awesome but he copes with it. This is terrifying– to me at least– on the couch.

He’s started saying “mama” fairly clearly, sometimes while looking at me and sometimes while looking at Nesko, his teddy bear, the ball popper, or while gnawing on the couch. Other times he says mmmmmmmmmmmama, muh muh muh muh muhmuh, mamama, or other iterations. Sometimes I can coax him into repeating “baba” after me, but “mama” and “baba” are all he’ll repeat. Other people are quick to claim that he’s OMG SAID HIS FIRST WORD, but I think he’s still just saying sounds. He hasn’t really linked meaning to that sound, but he’s on the cusp of it. Which is really cool and fun to watch. And his babbling still reminds me of Lady Gaga, which he likes to dance to (because really, who doesn’t?).

I think he “gets” how books work because we have some books that we’ve read over and over and over, and sometimes he brings them over to me and turns to a page and stays there until I’ve read the words, and then he takes the book and turns to another page and thrusts it at me until I’ve read the words. They are random pages, but he waits for me to speak and finish speaking. He also seems to “get” how conversations work. It feels like he tries to join them, like he’s getting a feel for how they work, with the ebb and the flow and taking turns speaking.

Niko tends to hover around milestones and then suddenly just do whatever it is he was leading up to doing. He rocked back and forth and was almost crawling for so long (well, it felt long to me) and then suddenly he was darting around like a pro. It’s like he has to get it all worked out in his head, figure out the exact best way to do it, then he takes off like a wild thing. I think we’re due for an explosion of words and walking, once he gets a final handle on it, once he’s sussed them out.

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We are in trouble for real now, I’m not kidding

2 February 2010

Oh man the trouble just keeps piling up deeper and deeper. Niko took his first wobbly unassisted steps today, going from hanging on the radiator to the couch, 2-3 wobbly steps, where his bear was chillin’. That bear is serious biznes, y’all.

Later he took 4-5 slightly more confident but still comical steps toward me as I held the phone out temptingly.

He will not walk to me if my hands are empty.

He loves me but not, you know, that much.

Dude has his priorities and they are “soft stuffed things,” then “remote controls and the telephone,” then “food,” then “mama.” Oh wait, put “tata” and “djedo” (”grandpa”) ahead of “mama” please.

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One of the most important things…

26 January 2010

There’s a lot of really vital stuff people who have or around little kids need to know. One of them is the mouth sweep. Little kids and babies like to put stuff in their mouths. Horrible stuff. Terrible stuff. Dangerous stuff. Weird stuff. Foil balls. Cellophane. Bits of cardboard/paper. Lint. Hibiscus leaves. This is dangerous, and you’re a horrible and neglectful parent for allowing tiny death to enter your child’s living area, let alone make it into their mouth. Someone should probably remove your baby from your care, along with any pets or plants you have, as you’re obviously unfit to care for anything.

Anyway, once your baby gets something into their mouth they aren’t supposed to have in there, it can be hard to get it back out. They clam up real good. And if they’re at that tricky age, they also have sharp teeth.

Here’s what you do.

Grab your baby and hold them on their back, on your lap. Tip their head back. Hopefully they’ll open their mouth on their own. If not, gently force it open. I know, it seems weird to use “gently” and “force” in the same sentence, but bear with me. Once the mouth is open, look for any foreign objects. If you see anything suspicious, use one of your fingers to sweep it out. Gently, quickly, and smoothly, sweep your finger from one side of the mouth to the other.

You should be able to snag that whatever-it-is easily, and be able to set your squirming wonder back on the floor for more playtime. Or pick them up by the thighs and hang them upside, walking around the house, raising and lowering them while saying “whoop! whoop! whoop! better not drop this baby!” Babies love this, especially if you do it in front of a mirror.

A good way of telling if a baby/small child has something in their mouth they aren’t supposed to have is that they get very quiet and walk around with their mouth firmly shut. Also, if you they’ve been out of sight for longer than thirty seconds. You might also notice that your child seems hungry, but rejects a bottle after an attempted suck– that’s because there’s something preventing easy swallowing.

Sometimes the mystery item is lodged on the roof of the mouth (hello, damp cardboard/paper) and can be slightly trickier to see and grab. But it’s not impossible.

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Houston, we have sippy cup.

25 January 2010

Today, Niko figured out how sippy cups work… for the most part. He still has a problem tipping the cup up enough, and sometimes just sits there sucking on the spout getting nothing but air. But he figured out actually sucking on said spout, whereas before he was just pressing his tongue against it as though it were a nipple he could press against the roof of his mouth and get liquid out of.

The sippy cup’s main advantage over the bottle is that he can’t squeeze the bottle’s nipple and spray himself in the face with formula. Also, the sippy cups are plastic and not glass and can be thrown about without fear of breakage and glass shards.

In addition to learning how to use an almost big boy cup (a real big boy cup has no lid), he’s on a pretty good eating schedule. In the morning I make him cereal consisting of 2 tablespoons of powdered baby cereal (oats, barley, or “8 grain and yoghurt”), enough whole milk to make it a pleasing consistency, and then pureed fruit mixed in. Then he has 6-8 ounces of formula. After his first nap, he gets a meal in a jar (turkey and mixed veg, meat lasagna with veg, chicken and apples, country harvest grains and squash, whatever) and 6-8 ounces of formula. Dinner is a pureed fruit or veg, sometimes with oat or barley cereal stirred in, especially if it’s very thin, and then 6-8 ounces of formula. He sometimes has 2-4 more ounces of formula before bed.

If he doesn’t eat all of that (and cheerios throughout the day) he wakes up screaming and OMG STARVING!!!! at some point in the night. He settles back down again easily once fed, but still. Night wakings are frustrating.

He spends most of his day crawling around, standing and clapping, pulling things down, putting things inside other things, taking things out of things, and jamming non-balls in his ball popping toy. Oh, and trying to escape the terrible gulag that is the living room. You know. The room with the big soft rug and the toys and the stuff to explore and get into. If only he could escape through the baby gate, into the wondrous enchanted place that is “the hallway.” You know. The place with all the shoes to chew on.

QUESTION:
Parents who feed your kid foods with fish-sourced DHA added in:
Do you notice that your kid’s poop smells really fishy after they eat something with DHA that comes from fish? HAHA YES A QUESTION ABOUT POOP ODORS THIS IS THE EPITOME OF MOMMYBLOG POSTS.

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Bloody noses and other body issues.

21 January 2010

A few weeks ago I had a ridiculously bad nosebleed that just went on and on for over an hour despite my best nose-pinching and leaning forward. I’m pretty sure it’s because of the incredibly dry air we’ve been having, so we picked up a humidifier for Niko’s room because I’m 30 and a nose bleed was hard on me. I can’t imagine sitting there pinching a 10 month old baby’s nose shut. That shit ain’t gonna fly.

Last night he woke up screaming, with a trickle of bloody snot coming out of his nose. 2 oz of formula calmed him down and he went right back to sleep. I’m glad we’ve been running the humidifier at night; I’ve started running it during his naps as well.

Speaking of formula, we use Enfamil. Lately, we’ve been receiving coupons (that look like checks) for a product called “enfagrow,” which is touted as being “the next step” for babies “10-36 months.” Yesterday we received an actual sample of it in the mail. The first ingredient is vegetable oil, the second ingredient is corn syrup. I’m pretty sure I could give Niko the same level of nutrition by feeding him Ovaltine, and it would taste better and be less creepy.

As I’ve mentioned in the past, I get newsletters and stuff from parenting magazines. There’s this constant push to “get your pre-baby body back.” Having a baby changes your body in ways that are pretty much irrevocable, though. That being said, certain events have taken place that have inspired me to start doing kegels with more regularity. I’ve also recently started lifting hand weights and doing crunches, because I want to up my stamina etc and generally be in better shape.

It is hard to do crunches with a baby around. It is hard to do anything on the floor with a baby around. It’s cute and charming when you’re on your hands and knees groping under the couch or a radiator for a missing toy and he comes crawling over, grabs your butt, and stands up clinging to you and then claps his hands triumphantly and starts slapping you. It’s slightly different when you’re trying to keep track of how many times you’ve hauled your legs up and he comes crawling over, grabs your nose to pull himself to stand, and starts slapping your cheek and eye. What the hell? Then tumbles forward and catches himself with his hand on your throat. I like to breathe, little dude! Stop trying to kill me! That being said, I’ve done both crunches and weights for 3 days in a row.

For those of you with kids, when did you start introducing whole milk? Our first pediatrician suggested around 9 months, and our current pediatrician agrees. Not as a formula substitute, but a few ounces a day. Also, what sippy cups did you use, or did you go straight to cups? They all have valves and shit now, and Niko’s having a hard time figuring out how to suck anything out of them, but removing the valve leads to a fast flow and huge mess.

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I have trained Niko to fetch.

10 January 2010

Yesterday, after a long day of doing squats (seriously, he stands up, then squats down, then stands up, then squats down, then stands up, then bounces, then squats down, then stands up, etc), Niko learned a New Thing. I wanted to get some dishes done but still keep him occupied in the other room, so I wanted to put some cheerios in his favorite bowl. He was in the living room, behind the baby gate, and I was on the other side of it and didn’t feel like opening the baby gate. So I leaned over it, pointed to the bowl, and told Niko to bring it to me. I mimed reaching for it and pointed to it and told him several times to bring the bowl to me.

And he did.

He crawled over to it, picked it up, waved it at me, then brought it to me.

I don’t know if he knows the word “bowl” (it’s not one we use often; he totally knows “ball,” though) or if he just saw me pointing or what. But he picked it up and brought it to me, and as a reward, he got cheerios and then got to chew on the bowl.

Win win for all concerned.

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