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The Blatherings Of A Blitherer

Hungry like the vole, not the wolf.

March31

I’m back on antidepressants and that’s basically the only reason I’m alive right now.

Wait, wait. It’s not as dire as it sounds.

Basically, one of the ways my depression manifests itself is through brutal insomnia. It’s hard for me to get asleep. It’s hard for me to stay asleep. My quality of sleep sucks ass, and after what most people would consider a good night’s sleep I wake up groggy and exhausted. I have dreams about being tired and trying to get to sleep, ok? So I’m on Wellbutrin again (more precisely, the generic form) and… my sleep problems aren’t entirely solved, but it’s way easier for me to get and stay asleep and my quality of sleep is much improved. I can get by on seven hours of sleep a night instead of, you know, thirteen. Which is nice, as OMGTHEBABY recently decided that sleep is for CHUMPS and he’s only going to sleep for two hour stretches at a time, interrupted by feeding sessions that last for half an hour. Half an hour is about how long it takes to wake up completely, even in a dark room snuggling a baby.

So everything’s good, right? Well… no. One of Wellbutrin’s side effects, which is sometimes used as a main attraction, is that it’s an anorectic. In laymen’s terms? I keep forgetting to eat. Yesterday? I hate a half cup of jello, a glass of grape juice, and a half cup of cottage cheese. That’s all I had until dinner, when I ate like a normal person with Nesko (spinach lasagna, hot bread, and a lemon square). That’s not really enough to survive on, you know? Especially as I’m grappling with the beast known as BREASTFEEDING which requires approximately 500 extra calories a day on top of a normal diet.

So I don’t feel hungry most of the time and when I do sit down to eat, Nikola wakes up and decides he is hungry also and I tend to him and sometimes forget that I was about to eat something OR feel hungry and head-achey.

I’ll get used to this. I’ll manage it. But it’s frustrating right now. And more frustrating is the fact that my state-sponsored insurance (that, you know, my taxes pay for) runs out 60 days after Nikola’s birth, so I don’t know what I’m going to do for brain drugs after that point. Maybe my doctor will be willing to write a prescription for 12 refills or something to get me through a year. I’m not suicidal without medication, but when I’m on it I’m much more productive. I mean yesterday I folded laundry, cleaned the kitchen, made lasagna from scratch, made lemon squares from a mix, and did some other stuff. And took care of a two week old infant. Without medication? I’d mostly sit on the couch blankly. Not in some dark well of distress or anything, just… blank. Lethargic.

In other health news, I haven’t taken omeprazole in two weeks and my stomach is fine. No indigestion, no heart burn, no searing pain and projectile vomiting. HURRAH! Cutting out an incredibly stressful job and then being not pregnant have apparently done the trick.

posted under baby, health, insomnia, life
One Comment to

“Hungry like the vole, not the wolf.”

  1. On April 23rd, 2009 at 5:44 pm Navi Says:

    my depression isn’t as bad, and my sleep issues aren’t as bad, but boy do yours sound familiar… as does the breastfeeding child sucking the life outta you… I’m on lexapro, though, which doesn’t seem to have affected my appetite. here’s to feeling better.