Words, words, words, art.

The Blatherings Of A Blitherer

If I could set things on fire with my mind right now, I would.


For those of you who don’t know, I like to cook, and I’m pretty decent at it. I have a stack of increasingly gross, damp, sticky, flour-y printed-out recipes on my counter, and I wanted to put together a nice binder with my most frequently used and favorite recipes in it… including my mom’s spanikopita recipe, handed down to her from a woman from Greece.

I’ve spent the last damn half hour trying to print a cover for the binder.

I’m fairly certain the problem is my printer, which is an HP Photosmart Plus. Every single time —every. single. time.— I try to print something, I run into a fun new problem. Like, it won’t print PDFs. Or, it kind of will, but only half way, and there’s like a random stripe that it won’t print. What’s that you say? Update my drivers? Ha ha ha! It is to laugh! OF COURSE I HAVE.

I can’t leave it plugged in via USB cord, because if I turn off my computer and turn it on again, the computer tries to boot from the USB! If my computer goes to sleep while the printer’s plugged in, my keyboard stops working! Isn’t that fun and great and fantastic?

Frequently, when I try to print, it prints nothing but the first 1/3 of an inch of the page. Or just gibberish.

And apparently, it won’t print images. Or, rather, it will, but only in some arbitrary small size. The printer automatically resizes images to fit onto small photo paper despite the dimensions the actual image actually has, and there seems to be no way to over ride this.

Isn’t that great? Isn’t that useful? Isn’t that exactly not what I want to do?

I tried printing via email, and the size was correct, but it would ONLY print on photo paper which means I wasted a photo paper (why don’t I just set some money on fire?). When we removed all the photo paper, it wouldn’t print at all. Ha ha ha ha ha! Why on EARTH would ANYONE want to print a .jpg on ordinary paper? That’s just TERRIBLY HILARIOUS, isn’t it? I’m laughing so hard at the idea I’m about to puke!

And the best thing, the absolute best thing, about this printer? You’ll like this. No, you’ll love this. I know I do! It has a scanner built into it. And if it runs out of ink or the ink expires? You can’t use the printer at all for anything! Including to scan, a function which requires no ink at all!

Isn’t that great?

Wow! I’m so glad this piece of “technology” came into my life!

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