Words, words, words, art.

The Blatherings Of A Blitherer

Nutella

March24

The first time I had Nutella was in 1993. My mom’s best friend had moved to Australia a few years earlier and super expensive trans-atlantic phone calls once a year and letters written in cramped writing on both sides of onion skin paper and sent airmail just weren’t enough. So she used my graduating from 8th grade as an excuse to fly the both of us out to visit them. Happy graduation, let’s go to Oz! I’m not complaining, mind. It was an incredible trip. I fell in love hard with Melbourne, and it’s the one place in my life I’ve ever felt homesick for, which is weird considering I was only there for about 3 weeks. But man, I loved it so much. We stayed with our family friends and I tried Nutella for the first time. We’d been sending them care packages for years of stuff like graham crackers and Oreos and Captain Crunch and some other stuff they couldn’t get over there (coffee that wasn’t instant? lasagne noodles that you had to boil first? I forget what else.) and they’d send us Vegemite. After our return they sent Nutella as well, something you couldn’t get (or couldn’t get easily?) in the States.

OF COURSE I shared this with my friends.

They thought I was crazy.

Putting CHOCOLATE on BREAD? How ridiculous is that! No wonder you’re such a fat fatty! These FOOLS who enjoyed chocolate chip cookies, chocolate chip muffins, chocolate croissants, white and yellow cake with chocolate frosting, pound cake with chocolate ganache, chocolate bread pudding, etc could not FATHOM putting CHOCOLATE (and hazelnut) on BREAD. Ewwww, gross! I made them eat it, because that’s the kind of friend I am, and they all saw how amazing it was and liked it. And for years, Nutella was a staple in my cupboard.

Now it’s super popular and you can pick it up in almost every grocery store and there’s weird ads for it on television and in magazines where it sounds like it’s health food (it’s chocolate, people. chocolate. tasty, not healthy.) and there’s a million recipes and memes about Nutella online. You can find it pretty much everywhere… except my kitchen.

Why?

Because of Nesko.

I married a man who’s allergic to hazelnut. He’s also allergic to chestnuts and brazil nuts.

How allergic is he? I’ll tell you. Years ago, I worked at Fannie May and part of the job requirement was to be familiar with the product. I was sampling the new deluxe truffles (which were INCREDIBLE) and one of them was a hazelnut mousse filling (AMAZING). HOURS after I tried one single truffle with hazelnut Nesko came in to buy some Advent calendars for his cousin’s kids and I gave him a little kiss and his lips started tingling and got a little swollen.

Despite his allergic reactions (swelling, vomiting when he eats chestnuts) he continues to eat stuff with hazelnuts in it unless I remind him not to. His reasoning is that the allergic reaction isn’t THAT bad and hazelnuts taste good. My reasoning is that each exposure ups the chance his allergy will get worse, so stop making bad decisions you fool. So we don’t keep Nutella in the house.

Recently, some peanut butter companies have tried to jump on the Nutella bandwagon and put out their own chocolate spreads. Every time I see them I scrutinize them for hazelnut. Peanuts, after all, are tasty and they are peanut butter companies. Wouldn’t it make sense for them to use peanuts instead of hazelnuts in their java chocolate caramel whatever spreads? But no, they all cram hazelnuts in there.

Then I found these little single-serve packs by Jif. They’re one of the Jif To Go products and they are chocolate and peanut butter and hazelnut free and I ate some with pretzels and I almost died because it tasted so good. I wish they came in a full sized jar, but apparently they don’t. If you want to try out a great tasting nut and chocolate spread but can’t do hazelnut, give this a try because it’s really REALLY good.

This is a totally uncompensated post. Nobody asked me to write it, nobody’s paying me for it, I just wanted to share something super tasty with you because I love you.

posted under CONSUME, eating, life, marriage, Nesko, stuff | Comments Off on Nutella

Door Buster Sales!!!

December4

Maybe it’s just me– although my husband had the same reaction independently of me– but when I hear the phrase “door buster sale” or “door buster savings” I think of the recent (as in, last few years) Black Friday Sales where people literally busted open doors and trampled employees and/or shoppers to death.

Merry Christmas.

posted under CONSUME | Comments Off on Door Buster Sales!!!

Shoes, betch

July23

Dear Internets:
I got fat feet.

It is hard to be a lay-dee with fat feet because shoe designers apparently think that all women have narrow feet and lack toes and have shortened Achilles tendons and therefore are very comfortable on stupidly tall heels.

Fuck that noise.

I had a pair of all-purpose slip-on shoes that I would wear to check the mail or take the trash out or do laundry. They were by the back door, and were very convenient and looked pretty decent, too. And then one day Nesko dropped my set of glass stacking bowls on the floor and they exploded into a million glittering shards, many of which landed in those shoes. In the interest of not getting glass bits embedded in my feet, I threw those shoes out. This began the quest for replacement shoes.

By “quest” I mean “wandering down to Payless and scowling at their limited selection.” They only had 3 pair of shoes total in wide widths in my size, and those were 2 pair of sneakers and 1 pair of insanely tall heels. I headed into the dude’s shoe section, which greatly disturbed the only man there, as well as everyone working there. They kept asking me if I needed help. OH NO I AM TOO STUPID TO KNOW THAT I AM LOOKING AT DUDELY SHOES.

I am apparently a 6.5 or 7 in dudely shoes, and am now the owner of a pair of slide on sandals. They don’t have a toe-thong, so I can wear them with socks if I want to (why would I want to? eh. It’s good to have options) and have 2 straps over the top of the foot with buckles so I can adjust them to my fat feet. I think they will work out pretty ok.

I also looked at baby shoes. They are so cute I almost died. Right there. In the store. While listening to Electric Six. Then I looked at the prices and came back to life. Shoes for infants: biggest scam in the world, or simply misguided?

posted under baby, clothes, CONSUME, life | Comments Off on Shoes, betch

My disgusting vagina money is no good!

June20

I just want to say this to people who claim that there’s no call for feminism any more because men and women have equality:

Hah!

Also, fuck you!

Because Ketel One? Does not want my filthy, disgusting vagina money! No! Ketel One is for men only!

There was a time when substance was style.
When men were unmoved by the constant current of the crowd.
When they didn’t drink their vodka from delicately painted perfume bottles.
There was a time when men were men.
It was last night.

Ketel One! It is vodka for men! AND ONLY MEN. Manly Men. Not like those other pansy girly vodkas in their delicate (girly!) painted (unmanly!) perfume bottles (probably only bitches and faggots drink that shit, am i rite?)!

As I lack a penis, Ketel One is obviously not for me. It is men only! They have a sign that says “no gurlz alloud.” And it’s really sad, because I loved their print ads, which were classy and interesting and understated.

And then there is Bacardi!

Bacardi wants you to know that I am very, very ugly.







I am fat! I have “lumpy rolls!” I have breasts that don’t look like softballs! I have a hairy mole! I have acne and I wear glasses and I have teeth that don’t look like a picket fence (ie perfectly straight). I have freckles and cellulite! I am a human being with flaws, and apparently Bacardi doesn’t want to be associated with me. If only I were a super hot woman or a man of any appearance, Bacardi would welcome my dollars with open arms. But they do not!

Alas, I will no longer spend my hard earned money on Ketel One and Bacardi. My screwdrivers and cranberry screwdrivers will be made with Grey Goose or Finlandia or some other brand. My strawberry Daiquiris and Rum and Cokes will be made with Captain Morgan’s (and Coke). I am certain they will be glad to receive my appalling vagina-tainted money without casting aspersions upon me, as a non-penis having, apparently non-penis pleasing person.

posted under body issues, CONSUME, crass materialism, fat, feminism, social responsibility, wtf | Comments Off on My disgusting vagina money is no good!

In Chicago? Want free stuff?

June16

Hey, does anyone in the Chicago area want/need some office supplies?

I have a shit load of post it notes, steno pads, lined paper, pens, and some other stuff. 3.5 discs, also, if you have a use for them. Let me know if you want this stuff.

I’m going to post a large amount of art supplies soon (probably next week). Paints, sketch pads, prismacolor pencils and markers, canvasses, an easel or two. I’d like a few bucks for that stuff, though.

posted under Chicago, CONSUME, stuff | Comments Off on In Chicago? Want free stuff?

The State of the Brigid

May1

Sooo… just wanted to post some blather about what’s going on in my life. GRIPPING I KNOW.

I have a headache and have had it since before I woke up. A can of Coke, a small caramel latte, and a fistful of excedrin have done nothing for it. Neither has sucking back a bunch of water. I am a sad panda. I think a short nap of five or six hours would set me right.

I am going to be travelling for work, going to St. Louis MO and Rochester Hills MI in June and August respectively. I haven’t flown since the summer after I graduated eight grade, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be flying to both these places. Or taking Super Bus or something, I don’t know. I’m kind of looking forward to that and also apprehensive because I haven’t packed for a flight in… uh… my entire life. When we went to Australia, we were staying with friends, so didn’t need to pack shampoo and conditioner. Also, there were no liquid restrictions. I can’t use hotel shampoo and conditioner and soap because I get a rash. Oh, look! I’m finding things to worry about! Go me! Other than that, I’m looking forward to it. I love travelling and don’t get to do it very often.

I’ve been barrelling forward on changing my name. I have a new state ID, new voter’s reg card, and will get a new SS card and new debit cards soon. The guy at the bank said not to bother getting new checks unless I write a lot of checks, which I don’t. People keep asking me if it’s hard spelling my new last name. It’s not. No, I haven’t been practising signing my name, either. I just do it. My initials are now BB and one of my friends has started calling me BB Gun. D’awww. I won’t mention what they used to call me when my initials were BS.

I’m getting more and more worn out by my commute. I’m looking at apartments closer to where I work, but our lease is not up until December (Ugh! moving in the winter! They were 4 months late getting our new lease to us so it has a wacky end date) and we have a housemate whose commute and my commute are basically in opposite directions, so… I don’t know what we’re going to do about that. But taking 2-3 buses and a train is just major ugh, and a commute that ranges anywhere from an hour to two hours? That is very depressing. And also means that I get up, dash to shower, and run out the door with no seconds to spare, and usually no breakfast.

Our downstairs neighbors had another screaming match the other day, complete with slamming doors. This time it was the adults only and didn’t involve the teenaged kid who lives there. I’ve been with Nesko for ten years and we’ve never had a screaming match and I am so incredibly greatful for that. Has there been screaming? Yes. Usually on my end because I’m loud. But it’s rarely directed at him (usually it’s all “FUCK YOU COUCH WHY YOU GOTTA STUB MY TOE ARGH FUCK FUCK DAMN ASS POOP” or “HOLY CHRIST GALLON OF MILK WHY YOU GOTTA BE A SOLID BLOCK OF STINKY CHEESE I HATE YOU WHAT THE SHIT” or “COMPUTER! WHY GOD WHY I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME GIMME BACK MY FILE” or whatevs) and it blows over pretty fast and then Nesko is making fart jokes and shooting me with his kiss gun and I’m throwing dirty socks at him. Our love, it is a beautiful thing. Or a strange thing. Beautiful and strange.

I made sugar cookies last weekend. I haven’t made sugar cookies in years. I rolled out the dough and cut it out with cookie cutters and baked them and iced them with colored icing and it was fun. And then Nesko cleaned everything up! yay! And now I want to make sugar cookies again. Maybe a bunch of dinosaurs. Or sharks. Or bats… with knifes. I scored some pecan halves from work (organic pecan halves. oooooh.) and so want to make my turtle cookies, too. I wonder how well those freeze. Anyway, I’ve been talking for awhile about doing step-by-step instructions on baking, complete with photographs, so if Nesko and I are free this weekend we might do that as a special project. Or we might just watch James Bond movies and do laundry. We do so love living dangerously!

I’m allegedly receiving the Stimulus Package tomorrow. Dates these are sent out are based on the last two digits of your SS number. Lucky me, I’m spending mine on bills. What are you spending yours on, if you get it? Oh, I also might splurge and get a magazine subscription. See my above sentence about living dangerously!

I’m also cleaning out my closets. I have two garbage bags full of plus size clothing (size 18-22 ish) mostly business casual (light sweaters, vests, jackets, button down shirts, some skirts that are roughly knee length). if you live in Chicago and can come to my apartment let me know if you want to paw through these things and take some home. I will charge you like $1 per item.

 

 

 

 

 

Weird Tales Magazine

April21

Just got my copy of Weird Tales and glancing over it, holy hell. I think I’m going to need a subscription.

Check them out at http://www.weirdtalesmagazine.com.

Brenna, I think you’ll like this. Matt, you too. Hell, if you’re reading this, you’ll probably like this magazine.

I also totally think I could submit art to them and have a chance of it getting accepted. My mind, it is blown.

posted under art, books, CONSUME, writing | Comments Off on Weird Tales Magazine

Wishlists and Registries and stuff

March25

A handful of people have asked over the past month or two about wishlists I have. This is in part because Nesko and I recently married so they want to know if we’re registered anywhere, and in part because my birthday was recently and people wanted to know what to get for me. Since I am a total greedyguts, I’m going to post this stuff here and you can do with it as you like.

Personal Wishlists:
Amazon.com I am a total book nerd and I love books and we recently both got rid of a bunch of books AND got more shelves so now we have space for more books. There’s some CDs on there as well.

Alibris.com Again with the books. :)

Wedding Registry:
Crate and Barrel I love entertaining and cooking and having an organized, sensible place to live. The last part might not make sense if you’ve actually seen where I live, but we’ve been working hard to throw out stuff we don’t use/need and properly store the stuff we do.

Linens ‘n Things I am crazy for nice sheets and pillows and blankets and towels. Is this a girl thing? Like insisting sheets are changed more than once a month?

Macy’s I feel guilty about this registry for two reasons. One is that it’s now Macy’s and not Marshall Field’s, and two is that oh my GOD fine china is expensive and I feel guilty asking for expensive china and silver and crystal. But you know what? I grew up in a house with fine china and silver and crystal and we used it frequently, and now that we’re all older (ie not little kids) we use it ALL THE TIME when visiting my parents. And it’s super nice! So I’d use this expensive stuff frequently, to celebrate the people who share dinner with us! And that alleviates some of the guilt. Nesko picked out the plates and they are beeeeyooootiful. He has VERY good taste.

Target We have a lot of plates and housewares and stuff and most of them are awful. I dream of a kitchen that has a toaster that has settings other than “slightly warmed” and “burnt.”

Pottery Barn You have to search by name for The Pottery Barn (Brigid Sullivan or Nebojsa Barjaktarevic). Also ignore the crazy wedding date of September 13th. Our plans changed, but I haven’t changed any of the registeries.

Williams-Sonoma True Story: I used to work with a guy who’d also worked at a Williams-Sonoma. He loved working there because he was a huge foodie and loved having a discount and getting great kitchen products for cheaper. He hated working there because every single copper, silver, or stainless steel item had to be cleaned and polished before they closed at night. Anyway, Williams-Sonoma has high quality (and expensive! Guilt!) items for the kitchen. I like to cook and bake. It’s easier (and more fun) to do so when you have the right tools for the job. I should note that Nesko and I often cook together, and it’s hugely fun. There are some people I hate cooking with because they get in the way and are like lumps. There are other people I love cooking with because they have an idea what they’re doing and we don’t need to talk to communicate. Nesko is one of the latter, and that is part of the reason I married him. This is another one where you have to search by name.

posted under CONSUME, wedding | Comments Off on Wishlists and Registries and stuff