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The Blatherings Of A Blitherer

The second worst way to wake up.

June4

I was awoken this morning in what I would have called pre-child-having the worst way to wake up, but now that I have a kid I know that the WORST way to wake up is to surprise vomit or other bodily fluids. So this is now ranked second, but it’s still awful. Namely, I woke up with a horrible Charley Horse in my calf.

I get them sometimes. Most people do. I got them more often when I was a teenager. Once, the searing pain woke me and I lashed my leg out, slamming my foot against the poured concrete wall of the room I was sleeping in, nearly breaking bones in my foot. Another time I literally woke up screaming, which alarmed Nesko to no end because I wasn’t fully awake and could just kind of roar incoherently at him and he thought my appendix was exploding or something. Good times!

This morning’s wasn’t horrifically bad, and I’m pretty sure it was caused by the fact that the temperature dropped over night and my leg was sticking out from under the cozy covers and the muscle got chilled and them cramped. I stretched it out a bit and was able to fall back asleep and it feels pretty ok now.

Once I had a limp for two days from the strength of the cramp. What the helllll, body.

We’ve been doing lots of drawing and coloring around here lately, and I’m going to go now and help Niko create a gallery wall in the living room of his dinosaur masterpieces.

posted under health, wtf | 1 Comment »

Well, this is… odd.

April17

Nesko went out to get the mail and shoved into our mailbox was a shrink wrapped (with Starbucks price tag still attached) CD of San Patricio.

I have NO EFFING CLUE why this CD is in our mailbox or who put it there. I’ve been listening to The Chieftains since I was a little kid, though, and have done street team work for other Irish and Irish American bands, so is it someone who knows me? Is it completely random? I DO NOT KNOW.

Is it some weird marketing thing?

There is no address label or anything on it. Just a brand new CD nestled in our mailbox among flyers for an End Times Church (five days! five lectures! ancient prophecies tell the future! Last lecture all about the Book of Revelation! Jesus is coming, so look busy!).

I haven’t listened to it yet. It’s got Ry Cooder and Linda Ronstadt, among others, so it should be good I hope.

I will keep you updated.

posted under Chicago, home, stuff, wtf | Comments Off on Well, this is… odd.

Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood

January8

It is, for those if you experiencing winter in the midwest, very very dry.

If you are a normal person, you’ve probably had to deal with dry, scaly skin and nose bleeds.

I had my first nose bleed ever yesterday.

Oh, sure, I’ve had blood in my snot a few times, especially when it was super dry and I had a cold. But yesterday? I made up for a life time sans nosebleed. Blood ran in a river for, honest to God, an hour. You know how I usually exaggerate stuff for effect, comedic or otherwise?

I am not exaggerating.

A friend of mine who’s suffered such extensive, frequent nosebleeds that she wound up getting her nasal vessels cauterized, talked me through it– the nose pinching, the head tilt, the waiting. My hand cramped up from holding my nose shut. My eyes watered, and my lips dried out from breathing through my mouth. It was kind of like a nasal period, complete with giant black slug-like blood clots.

Let me tell you, internets, it was awful.

Especially because, once I stopped actual blood streaming, there was still both a faint trickle, a bit of a runny nose, and a gigantic fear of dislodging the blood clot. Yesterday was Christmas according to the Eastern Orthodox calendar, so we went to Nesko’s family’s house for dinner, and I was all paranoid that I’d 1) start bleeding again 2) people would notice I was being nasty by sucking up snots instead of blowing my nose.

We got some cash presents, which we are going to use to get humidifiers, one for each bedroom. I cannot imagine dealing with a nose bleeding baby, and would like to head that trauma off at the pass.

Feel free to tell your blood horror stories, nose blood or otherwise, in the comments.

My disgusting vagina money is no good!

June20

I just want to say this to people who claim that there’s no call for feminism any more because men and women have equality:

Hah!

Also, fuck you!

Because Ketel One? Does not want my filthy, disgusting vagina money! No! Ketel One is for men only!

There was a time when substance was style.
When men were unmoved by the constant current of the crowd.
When they didn’t drink their vodka from delicately painted perfume bottles.
There was a time when men were men.
It was last night.

Ketel One! It is vodka for men! AND ONLY MEN. Manly Men. Not like those other pansy girly vodkas in their delicate (girly!) painted (unmanly!) perfume bottles (probably only bitches and faggots drink that shit, am i rite?)!

As I lack a penis, Ketel One is obviously not for me. It is men only! They have a sign that says “no gurlz alloud.” And it’s really sad, because I loved their print ads, which were classy and interesting and understated.

And then there is Bacardi!

Bacardi wants you to know that I am very, very ugly.







I am fat! I have “lumpy rolls!” I have breasts that don’t look like softballs! I have a hairy mole! I have acne and I wear glasses and I have teeth that don’t look like a picket fence (ie perfectly straight). I have freckles and cellulite! I am a human being with flaws, and apparently Bacardi doesn’t want to be associated with me. If only I were a super hot woman or a man of any appearance, Bacardi would welcome my dollars with open arms. But they do not!

Alas, I will no longer spend my hard earned money on Ketel One and Bacardi. My screwdrivers and cranberry screwdrivers will be made with Grey Goose or Finlandia or some other brand. My strawberry Daiquiris and Rum and Cokes will be made with Captain Morgan’s (and Coke). I am certain they will be glad to receive my appalling vagina-tainted money without casting aspersions upon me, as a non-penis having, apparently non-penis pleasing person.

posted under body issues, CONSUME, crass materialism, fat, feminism, social responsibility, wtf | Comments Off on My disgusting vagina money is no good!

Two ways tv men react to women

May1

I was watching the Andy Griffith Show while trapped on the couch with a baby who can apparently only sleep when attached directly to me with both arms. Move one arm to eat or drink something and he wakes up. The sling? It is now hated. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATED. The crib? Is obviously the devil. OBVIOUSLY. So I’m stuck with a 6 week old infant weighing me down except for when I try to grab a few scream-filled minutes to use the toilet. I’m just explaining why I didn’t change the channel. I couldn’t free up one hand to use the remote. It’s also why I watched “Hackers,” “Once Bitten,” and part of “Mr Mom.” It’s also why I’m slightly more mush brained than I was when I woke up this morning.

Anyway, the plot of the Andy Griffith Show was that a woman had the damn silly idea that she, as a human being with the right to vote, also had the right to run for city council. Imagine that! A woman! Doing something outside the home! Griffith and the other men all roundly denounce this idea and plot how to foil her and the other women, who are rallying to her cause. Otis, the town drunk who is currently in jail for attempting to assault his wife and accidentally punching his mother in law in the mouth so hard she had to get dental care advocates punching the women concerned in the mouth. Ho ho ho! Domestic violence is fucking hilarious! Some of the other men have a different idea, however. That idea? To cut off the charge accounts at all the stores so that the women, who are dependent on men for money because they are full time housewives who don’t work outside the home, cannot make purchases. The men use economic pressures to attempt to force their wives/daughters/etc, who have a legal right to vote, not to vote. Oh ho ho! Silly women! I can’t for the life of me imagine why they’d want a position like city councilman!

In response the women stage a strike and refuse to… not with hold sex, but to with hold sewing and cooking and other such affairs of the home. The men are willing to put up with it, however! And fortunately Otis manages to keep from beating his wife. This time. The menfolk hold fast and continue verbally berating the women and their silly, silly ideas about independence and self worth and being full human beings who are equal to men. At least, until Opie repeats some anti-woman screed Andy had said earlier. I couldn’t hear what it was because Nick chose that moment to howl, scream, and then fart loudly. If I weren’t so classy, I’d have reacted to the show in the same way. Anyway, this inspires Andy to make a public speech about how it’s ok if ladies run for a council seat and vote and stuff, because he realizes that his actions were making Opie “hate women” and he was afraid Opie would turn gay. Thus, he grants permission to the women to, like, take part in government and vote and stuff. Whew! Thank GOD a man was there to tell those silly women it was ok to run for a council seat, hold independent ideas, and attempt to be represented by those who make laws!

The whole time I was thinking about this episode of “Gomer Pyle USMC” I saw previously. In the episode, Sgt Carter and some of his knuckle dragging cronies decide it would be hi-larious to set Pyle up with a stripper and tell him that she was a school teacher from out of town. Pyle obviously falls for it and begins courting this woman, treating her with dignity and respect and showing off some of his interests (botany, history, looking at pretty pastoral scenes with a pretty lady) and all around being a cool guy. He never “gets fresh” or expects her to put out. It’s pretty obvious he’s falling for her, and she seems to like and respect him as well. Either Carter or his friends then invite Pyle to see her perform on stage. Pyle watches the show, she sees him and runs off, he goes after her. She asks if he hates her or something like that, he responds that what she does on stage is just her job and he still likes and respects her and has enjoyed the time he spent with her. He doesn’t castigate her or run off in horror or judge her. He just keeps treating her with calm respect and consideration.

Imagine that. Pyle, who is usually portrayed as brain damaged, respects women and the choices they make; even ones that are usually considered loose or slutty. Meanwhile, fine and upstanding law man Griffith thinks that women shouldn’t bother their pretty little heads with things like making laws or voting or, you know, thinking.

posted under feminism friday, wtf | Comments Off on Two ways tv men react to women

Train Safety

February20

I grew up in kind of a small town that had some pretty decent freight train activity through it. At night, you could hear the low, mournful howl of the train whistles as they sped through the main part of town, some five miles away from our house. I loved that sound. It always sounded lonely but exciting, like there was adventure and danger outside and someday I could take part in all that, just jump on a train and go someplace. All the roads that intersected the train tracks had gates and lights, which isn’t true of a lot of more rural areas.

When I was in grade school at public schools (due to the school randomly assigning me to Special Ed for being severely developmentally delayed, my mom stuck me in private school for 2nd grade on. They didn’t bother telling my parents what they did, they just stuck me in a room where I cut out circles of paper with safety scissors and petted bunnies. I was reading at a 5th grade level and could do basic math, and I was spending the whole day doing nothing, basically, because someone decided I was retarded. Literally retarded. I still don’t know.) we watched a lot of film strips. I mentioned parenthetically there that I was in special ed. I was in a “regular” classroom for a few things, including FILM STRIPS and some class where everyone sorted tiles by color and shape. That’s all we did for the class. Sorted things. The film strips were pretty whack, or at least I’ve thought so until now.

There were the OMG PEOPLE ARE TOTES GONNA KILL YOU Halloween candy safety filmstrips, where Mickey Mouse and Goofy eat tainted candy and got sick or cut up. There were some “what to do if your parents leave drugs and/or guns lying around the house” filmstrips. And there were the train safety filmstrips that dealt heavily with train yards and why not to explore them. There were no train yards near us, just train tracks and fast moving freight trains.

In kindergarten and second grade, I must have seen some 6 or 7 train safety films. Don’t play on train tracks. Don’t walk on train tracks. Don’t try to “beat” a train. Don’t run in front of a train. It takes trains a long time to stop. Don’t walk along side of train tracks. Don’t fuck with train tracks/rocks/rail ties. Don’t play on train gates. Don’t explore cabooses (they are apparently full of explosive chemicals and corrosive acids and prone to exploding). This, along with “duck and cover,” was drummed into our little heads.

It was a little extreme, and I never got the same messages at the (shitty, small, in a different town that had no trains running running through it) private school.

So I’ve wondered. What was the point? What was the point of spending 15 to 30 minutes per filmstrip on really fucking basic, obvious train safety information?

Then I read this story.

Basically, two dumb fuck girls walked along a set of train tracks, then lay down on the train tracks and fell asleep. Both lost limbs as a result, when a freight train came barreling down upon them.

I am so incredibly glad that 1) I’m not a fucking moron and 2) that I had all those stupid train safety films because between the two? I would never ever even CONSIDER lying down on train tracks.

I mean, what the FUCK? Train tracks aren’t even comfortable! It’s splintery creosote soaked wood and fist sized rocks! There are multi-ton trains that go zooming down those tracks! How… what… I can’t even phrase outraged questions about this because seriously. This is just fucking dumb.

posted under midwest, trains, wtf | 1 Comment »